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| Cheatham's Bloopers |
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Marriage Is A Party
I was single for many years before marriage with no one to correct my bad habits or mistakes. One evening, shortly after getting married, I needed to go to the bank after business hours. "Sweetheart, I'll be right back; I'm going to the bank and put these checks into the night suppository." Instantly she burst out laughing. "Honey, that word is night depository, not suppository." How embarrassing it was to confess. "Oh no! I've been calling it a suppository for years without thinking about it; guess I've been treating the bank's hemorrhoids."
Preacher Bloopers
"First time I ever baptized someone," said Pastor Jim Strickhausen, "it was in 'Murder Creek' outside of East Brewton, Alabama. The creek's name actually was very prophetic because after I dunked the man, I lost him in the swift current. Next thing I knew he was under water going down stream. I had to swim after him, catch him by the foot, and rescue him from drowning. Yep; it's MURDER to baptize in Murder Creek."
Bit-O-Humor
Do YOU read your church bulletin? Are you SURE? It's not nice to fool "Mother-Church-Secretary!"
World Missions Messes
On my first missions trip to Mexico I was believing God to heal me of a terrible head cold which had turned into a sinus infection. My fellow preachers drove up to a Mexican drug store and strongly recommended that I go in for penicillin. I figured there must be a doctor's office in the back, and that they would give it to me in pills, so I went in. The entire van of preachers were laughing their heads off when I came back to the van with a shocked look on my face. What they didn't tell me (but they knew) was that Mexican pharmacists simply tell you to drop your drawers a little and bend over for a shot. Right there in view of everyone you get your penicillin shot. Talking about culture shock! Shot and shocked!
Family Frenzy
Marilyn accidentally had our first baby boy a month ahead of time because we took a trip by car to Oklahoma City fourteen hours away from home. Since newborn Matthew was not allowed to fly home by air because of plane pressurization and Marilyn was not allowed to go home by car because of her C-Section, I and my preacher friend had to drive the baby home overnight while Marilyn returned by plane the next morning. The suspicious looks on people's faces in restaurants and gas stations were wild. They'd whisper to each other, "Who are those two unshaved men with that little infant? Where is the baby's Momma? Did they kidnap it?"
Preachers Bloopers
Pastor Jim Strickhausen had an appointment at a funeral home for a viewing. Arriving early, he decided to wait outside in the beautiful sunshine. After a while, however, he began sweating and decided to go indoors. Upon entering he found the hallways poorly lighted; also his eyes and glasses weren't adjusting well to the darker environment. So he groped down what seemed to be a hallway and leaned against something that felt like a table, supporting himself with his hand until he regained clear vision. Just as his eyesight began returning, an angry woman began scolding him to his face. "Get your fist out of my husband's face!" Turning he discovered he was leaning against a casket with his fist on a dead man's mouth.
It Happened In Church
I was a young pastor of a small church trying to build good relations with an even smaller church who had been without a pastor for a year. I wanted to persuade them to merge with us. Apprehensively the other church invited me to speak in their pulpit; their elders weren't so sure of my "wild-fire" style. While leading the song service before preaching that morning, I began dancing and bouncing to the beat. Suddenly, the stage floor broke, and I fell right through! Those elders (who had built the stage with their own hands) crossed their arms and looked at me like they had been baptized in pickle juice. You guessed it; the sermon didn't go well either.
Family Frenzy
The oldest of my two younger brothers was very manipulative of the younger. Once when they were young children, the oldest learned some dirty words from his friends at school and then plotted to get my brother in trouble. He gave my brother a piece of chalk and coaxed him to write those four-letter words on each square of the neighborhood sidewalk, covering the entire length of the street block. What he didn't bargain for was my younger brother telling on him during paddling time. It took them an entire day to scrub each square clean.
Kids Say Funny Things
We were having our nightly family devotions around the Christmas tree. I was using gifts from under the tree as object lessons. "What did the wise men give Jesus?" I asked. My six year old son, Drew, was quick and proud to answer, "Gold, Frankenstein, and Myrrh!"
Preacher Bloopers
A popular pastor and author committed some unpardonable bloopers. Once while preaching a funeral, he leaned on the casket which contained the deceased person, and the casket fell on the floor.
Kids Say Funny Things
Drew wanted to show that he had relearned the correct pronunciation of the wise men's gifts after having mispronounced them a few minutes before. He proudly volunteered, "Dad, now I know what they gave Jesus; "Gold, Common Sense, and Myrrh."
It Happened In Church
I started out pastoring while I was still an officer in the Air Force. I'll never forget a certain Christian that worked in the same building with me. He sought me regularly for counseling because his marriage was falling apart. He was strange indeed. Every time I would quote a scripture that met his fancy, he'd twitch and jerk his head. I overlooked this quirk until one day he cornered me in the hall a few feet away from where the commander was standing and performed a herky-jerk in front of every one (while toting his gigantic Bible, of course). That blew my top so I took him into my office and asked what the jerking was all about. He replied, "I was at a gospel meeting once and the lady speaking said that every time God's power came on her it caused her to jerk. She then offered to pray for anyone who wanted the same phenomena in their life." "I guess Dandruff Christians are all alike," I thought; "Flaky and Embarrassing!"
It Happened In Church
Ever been standing and worshipping God in church with your eyes closed? Suddenly you discover you've been groovin' with the music and you're either out in the aisle away from your seat or you've moved in front of someone else's seat and they are standing out in the aisle looking rather disgusted.
Bit-O-Humor
Stubbing your toe is the ultimate test of how much fruit of self-control you've gained over your tongue!
Born In The USA
Leaving my golf bag at the end of one golf green which made a T-junction with the next fairway, I took my driver and ball to the next tee box. I would have to walk past my bag after I teed off anyhow; so I figured on picking it up then. Taking careful aim at the middle of the fairway, I swung, and with my masterful slice I drove my ball directly into my golf bag on the right side of the fairway. My preacher friend from Johannesburg, South Africa shouted, "I say, Dan, I do believe you've hit a Bag-In-One!"
World Missions Messes
The greatest culture shock of arriving in Haiti was the "no speed limit" highways with pedestrians walking within inches of the vehicles. I have never prayed in tongues under my breath so much in all my life. The only thing traveling faster than our "Isuzu Trooper" truck was the speed of my prayer language.
Preachers Bloopers
Have you ever thought you discovered something profound in the Bible only to find you misread it? Once while reading through my Strong's Concordance, I noticed the word "degenerate." Looking at the reference I observed the phrase "art thou turned into the degenerate planet." "Yes!" I thought–"DEGENERATE PLANET–that'll preach!" Upon looking at it again, however, it only read "degenerate plant," not "planet." "What a bummer! There goes my sermon!"
Marriage Is A Party
Marilyn calls my gourmet cheeses "mold." I call her slices of American Processed Cheese "orange plastic."
Preacher Bloopers
A lady called me to her home to cast the devil out of her husband who just returned from a drug binge. I was accompanied by a brother who was known for his deliverance ministry. We found the man hiding in a closet. When we entered the room, he kicked the closet door across the room and began to growl and hiss, commanding us to "Gett-OOUUT-of-here!" Man of faith that I was, I looked at my partner and said, "Ya know, Gene, the Bible teaches that prayer has no distance in the spirit realm. Why don't we go home and handle this one by intercessory prayer." My request was ignored, however; his eyes already sparkling with anticipation of battle. I learned several lessons that day. First, don't act like a coward. Second, don't hold the hand of the person out of whom you are casting devils–when they go stiff as a board during deliverance–your hand will be caught in their death-grip for 45 minutes.
World Missions Messes
On mission trips with my wife I suffer from sleepless jet lag. So my natural inclination is to get "kissy" with Marilyn. In Russia, she accuses me of being a "Frrrisky Rrroosky." (Russians roll their R's)
Family Frenzy
Sometimes when I sense the atmosphere at home is too tense, I initiate a "Spaghetti War" at the dinner table. I throw the noodles into my wife or daughter's hair and that's all it takes. The fight is on! And the boys love it. (Without the sauce, of course.)
Born In The USA
Family happiness at the local fast food restaurant: "Okay boys, what do you want to eat?" "Happy meal, happy meal, happy meal!" "Absolutely not!" "Why, Daddy." "Because 'happy meals' make my McWallet very unhappy! And besides you only McPlay with your McToy for about five minutes and then you forget that you ever had it. That's why, McBoys!"
Preacher Bloopers
"Look at this woman in front of us with the back of her car stuck out into our lane," I fumed at my wife while driving to lunch after church. "Doesn't she know what turning lanes are for?" Then I swerved my car around hers with an air of superiority. The woman in the car looked back at me as I passed and I at her. "O no honey; it was Ruthy in her Mercedes, one of the oldest most respected members in our church and she saw me. What will I say? Dear Jesus, please forgive my hypocrisy. Boys, please forgive Daddy; it's not right to fuss at people when you're driving the car. We should act like Jesus all the time; right?"
Born In The USA
Only four things I can remember about my great grandma Cheatham because I was so little when she died. First, the gigantic country table in her home where sixteen people could sit and eat. Second, the fresh lumpy cow's milk that I dreaded drinking. Third, how she'd lick her lips, wipe her mouth with her sleeve, give you a kiss and then repeat the same before giving the next person a kiss. And fourth, the time my mother was trying to get a foreign object out of my eye and my great grandmother grabbed me and in an instant "licked it out" with her tongue. In the country, they did things differently, specially back in those days!
Marriage Is A Party
Marilyn and I went to one of my Christian friends, Don McCaslin, to get confirmation of our decision to get married. While we talked, he reminded me of an incident nearly four years before when I shared something with the Bible study group after praying together. I told them I felt that God had whispered to my heart the name of the woman I would marry in the future. I had forgotten the incident, having dismissed it years before as religious fanaticism. But he hadn't. "You said that God gave you the name, 'Wyatt or Byatt, something with a y-att.'" Then I remembered it distinctly. Our mouths dropped open in awe because Marilyn's maiden name is "Myatt." Talk about Prophetic Amnesia!
Family Frenzy
Then a teen on a date with a popular guy at school, my mother was driven by the young man to a dead- end street where he wanted to drink and have sex. My mother broke the booze bottle, stole his car key, rolled the window up on his hand and ran home. Snuggling next to my grandfather, she asked, "Daddy, did I do the right thing?" He just smiled.
Family Frenzy
When I was a child there was an item of interior decor hanging in our home which served as a constant deterrent to evil in my soul. It was the feared "Barber's Strap" hanging on the wall or lying on my father's chest of drawers. When my father used that thick piece of leather on my hide, it left permanently programmed commands on the computer chips of my brain...not Micro-soft programs but a Macro-hard drive of discipline in my soul.
Preacher Bloopers
While leading worship with a microphone that had a wind-screen on it, I kept noticing something tickling my nose and lips. Eventually that demonic piece of hair (who knows whose it was?) made its way into my mouth and began messing up my singing. The only thing I knew to stop it was to take a break and encourage the people to greet one another while I picked it off. I then decided I should share the itching experience with them since some may have seen my nose-twitching and incessant wiping of my lips. Some laughed. Others were repulsed, saying, "Oooooo! Gross!"
World Mission Messes
The most dangerous place in Russia is the revolving doors of a hotel. Russians rush into them like a stampede. One either collides with the Mach speed doors attempting to enter, loses a hand or piece of luggage as it spins, gets their feet stomped by the people compressed into your space, or gets flung to the pavement exiting the orbit. Enter at your own risk!
Marriage Is A Party
My wife and I finished our morning showers and stood in front of the bathroom mirror drying our hair and grooming for the day. Marilyn, however, is still dead at 6:00 in the morning; she doesn't get born again until around 9:30. I finished blow drying my hair and set the hairdryer down on my side of the sink. With droopy eyelids Marilyn asked, "Please pass the dishwasher."
Family Frenzy
One evening I was studying the Word in a corner booth of Shoney's restaurant. When I came out to the parking lot to leave for home, there was a cute little mutt dog that looked like a cross between a golden retriever and a miniature collie. Instantly I made friends with him. He was stray and had no collar and the waitresses said he'd been hanging around for weeks eating the garbage. I looked at him and said "I don't like pets; I don't want the hassle of a dog." Then I proceeded to take him home to my family. My wife, daughter, and son were elated. Then they divulged that they had gotten together without my knowledge and prayed the prayer of agreement in Matthew 18:19 that God would give them a dog. "Witchcraft, witchcraft!" I cried.
Kids Say Funny Things
The senior pastor's 3 year old son Jesse stomped into his dad's office after church was dismissed. Earlier he was disciplined by a church worker in the nursery. Pouting and put out, he gruffed, "Daddy, I'm goin' to another church!"
Born In The USA
One day I overheard one "computer hacker" talking to another. "Yeah, she wasn't any better than my first two wives. I'm just glad it's over; she was just like all the others! All they ever did was nag me about being married to my computer instead of them!" (For real; I really did overhear this conversation!)
Preacher Bloopers
We were traveling and out of town that month so we were late paying our utility bill. I decided I better call the utility company and tell them that the payment was in the mail and request that they not turn off our power the next day. After dialing the number, I waited. "Hello, this is Huntsville Utilities, Elsie Nance speaking." Stunned, I quickly covered the phone with my hands and turned to my wife saying, "Marilyn, it's Elsie, a church member; she works at the power company. I'm one of her pastors; I can't tell her I'm late with my utility bill!" "Then hang up!," she said. That's exactly what I did.
Marriage Is A Party
Can you imagine telling your wife tonight what Solomon told his wife? "...thy belly is like a heap...thy nose is as a tower of Lebanon..." Marilyn would kill me! "My nose is like what?" Perhaps all of Ole Sol's words won't fit our culture. (Song of Solomon 7:2,4)
Born In The USA
Why is it that the dentist waits to ask you so many questions until AFTER the gas has made you groggy or the Novocain has numbed your tongue; and instruments, tubes, and slobber are now running out of your mouth?
Bit-O-Humor
I was preaching to twenty inmates in a county jail cell, and felt impressed that God wanted to heal someone's ear; but I didn't know who. When I announced this to the men, they all turned their heads, staring at one man. The man came forward and rehearsed a childhood accident that caused total hearing loss in his left ear. As I placed my finger on his ear and began to pray in Jesus' name, the man jumped backward and grabbed his ear, wincing and testifying about noise like "Niagara Falls" rushing through his ear. I came back several weeks later and he complained, "Now that I can hear again, I can't get any sleep here in the jail. Before I got healed I would place my good ear against the pillow at night. Since my deaf ear was up and exposed, I couldn't hear the noise of the rowdy inmates. I slept well; but not anymore!"
Marriage Is A Party
My wife says I missed my high calling. She says I'm not a preacher, but a professional "masseur." Her favorite gift from me is when I tell her, "Go sit on the couch while I clean up after supper; I'll be there in a few minutes to massage your feet and legs." Her next favorite gift is my nightly ritual of rubbing her back after retiring to bed. A "massage" for my wife; a "message" for my church: This Is My Life!
Kids Say Funny Things
"Daddy, I know the three commandments,' my five-year old quipped: 'You shall not steal. You shall not argue. And you shall not wrestle with your brothers.'"
Kids Say Funny Things
While visiting my parent's farm, my two year old son's favorite cartoon on television was "Alvin And The Chipmunks." One afternoon he was out in the backyard when his grandfather spotted a groundhog eating out of the garden. Grandpa proceeded to shoot the groundhog with his .222 rifle, then showed it to little Matthew. Matthew went back inside the farm house and sat quietly on the couch for a few minutes. After a while he rose up, walked into the kitchen, looked up at his grandmother and protested, "Bad Gwanpaw; shoot 'munk.'"
Born In The USA
The single activity that relaxes me more than anything is cleaning my shotgun or pistol with solvent and oil. I feel great afterwards. I always figured I felt so good because it was a diversion or perhaps because it brought a sense of accomplishment. Then my dad suggested that the fumes from the solvent might be the reason I feel so good afterwards. Imagine that -- a fume sniffing pastor. Surely not! I hope he's wrong.
Marriage Is A Party
I enjoy tormenting my wife in the mornings while she is trying to wake up in front of the bathroom mirror. I act excited and say things loud and bold like, "O my love, thou art so gorgeous; aren't you just exhilarated about the possibilities of today!" She glares at me and growls that verse out of Proverbs: "He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him." "Don't even talk to me in the morning!"
It Happened In Church
It was my pastor friend's first baptismal service since graduation from seminary. The regional overseer was present to witness the service. They used another church facility with its large baptistery. The first convert he was to baptize was a young teenage girl who was a bona fide hillbilly from the mountains. Terrified of water, she stared down into the baptistery from the steps. Her sister and mother in the side wings began coaxing her and at length were yelling at her as they tried to bribe her into the water. "Go ahead, Hon, git in the wata. If ya do, we'll buy ya a 'kini' (bikini) tomorra fo a prize." All of this in front of the congregation and the overseer. Finally, her sister pushed her off the steps, and the girl lunged for my pastor friend in the water, gripping him by the collar, face to face, and screaming with bloody terror. Then to make matters worse, the 6'6" truck driver next in line to be baptized, slipped off the steps into the baptistery, causing water to rush over the front of the baptistery down into the choir loft. My friend refused to baptize anyone again for 2 years.
Family Frenzy
My mother taped my two younger brothers' mouths closed as a punishment for arguing in the back seat of the car. They thought it was amusing, however, and began greeting other cars by pressing their faces against the window and pointing to their taped mouths.
Family Frenzy
When we lived in Montana our favorite pastime was frequenting the Shakey's Pizza Parlor and the ice cream parlor afterwards. One evening we drove to an open field to take a walk while enjoying our ice cream cones. While walking with my favorite flavor in hand (Blueberry Revel), I asked Dad what kind of factory it was that I saw across the field. Smoke was pouring out the factory's stack. "That's a crematory where they burn dead corpses and put the ashes in urns," he replied to his 11 year old son. Repulsed, I looked at the smoke rising from the stack, inspected my ice cream, looked up once more at the ash rising and falling, inspected my cone again, and with nausea threw it away.
Born In The USA
In the Air Force, I once worked with a man who was the civil service chief of an Accounting and Finance department. His name was "Owen Cash." For real! Another prophetic name I worked with was "Deadman Funeral Home" in Manchester, Tennessee. Frank and Fred Deadman owned this funeral home. A USAF sergeant couldn't believe it when this Second Lieutenant told him over the phone that the body was located at "Deadman Funeral Home." "Come on, sir; you're pullin' my leg. Don't joke around with me, Lieutenant, just 'cause I'm an NCO!" He looked it up while on the phone in his "Blue Book" (Yellow Pages of Funeral Services) and began laughing hysterically.
It Happened In Church
A friend told me a story of a baptismal service he had attended in a big city church. There was a country boy who had just been baptized in the huge Plexiglas baptistery. While the pastor was baptizing the next person, the young man became nervous from misplacing his change of clothes. Not knowing how to get back to the other side of the baptistery, he unwittingly dived back into it, trying to swim under water to the other side. But with people's legs in the way, he got lost under water and kept coming back to the front of the baptistery looking for a way out so he could catch some air. The congregation saw this, and various ones stood up and began shouting and trying to point the boy in the right direction. Finally the boy came up for air and everyone began to laugh with a sigh of relief and amazement. Wow, what a baptism service! Maybe sprinkling would be better after all!
Preacher Bloopers
My friend Cesar Brooks was preaching on the subject of marital love and commitment, and the need to remove the word "divorce" from our vocabularies. After closing his message he announced, "Come join us for a time of fellowship and refreshments next door. Let's all go to the fellowship hall and enjoy some divorce."
Marriage Is A Party
When riding beside me in our car, my wife Marilyn is normally very friendly. But if I drive over a bump while she is applying her eye liner, Dr. Jekyll suddenly turns into Mrs. Hyde.
Kids Say Funny Things
When I was a child, my family took a vacation to an exclusive trout fishing lake in Idaho. My father was an avid trout fisherman who felt it was worth the expensive price to camp at this lake and fish with the world's best fishermen. Early one morning as the sun was rising, nearly thirty boats rowed quietly out onto this small lake. These serious fishermen fished in absolute silence for the biggest trout in America. My father had ventured to take my little brother with him; having beforehand sworn him to strict silence. They fished for about an hour with boats all around them. Then my brother whispered to my father that he needed to go to the bathroom. Dad whispered back, "Not right now; later." A few minutes passed and without any warning he suddenly screamed to the top of his lungs, "Somebody.... I gotta go to da poddy!" His voice pierced the silence and rippled over the glassy lake surface. Suddenly you could hear waves of laughter as hundreds of intense fishermen completely lost their composure!
World Missions Messes
Missionary Jeannie was the first black person after Perestroika to live in the Soviet city of Nizhny Novogorod. This city was formerly off-limits to foreigners because of top secret military factories. While walking around a street corner she apparently surprised an elderly Russian man, who upon seeing her, gasped with shock, falling backwards onto the sidewalk. "God's Afro-Russian," however, soon became one of the city's most respected ladies.
Kids Say Funny Things
My 5-year old was talking to mom about his big brother. "Guess what Mommy? Matthew's a teenager now 'cause he's got hair on his toes!"
It Happened In Church
My wife and I were so proud of the electronic keyboard the church had bought for us a few weeks earlier. Now we had more versatility of sounds than just the piano during the worship service. So there we were sitting on our seats while the senior pastor gave his altar call invitation. Heads were bowed and there was a holy hush in the auditorium, when suddenly – a loud noise – horrifying – continuous– shattered the silence; a sound something like all the keys of an organ being held down at once. Ya know... like on a horror movie! The entire congregation almost lost their breakfast with fright. Pastor Hellmann nearly fell off the platform.
Bit-O-Humor
Proof positive that God is neither intimidated nor ashamed of our humanity is one of my relative's "throne room" experiences. He received the baptism in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues while seated in a public rest room stall. Several years later, after a motorcycle accident, he also received his healing from loss of taste and smell in the exact same place. After all, God IS omnipresent, isn't He? I guess wherever we're able to get comfortable in His presence, He is also comfortable to meet us there!
Kids Say Funny Things
My three year old cried out for help standing in Wal-Mart. "I gotta go to da bafroom!" I asked him, "Number one or Number Two? Which do you have to do?" "Number Three!"–he screamed in panic. The lady next to us in the aisle doubled over in laughter and almost had to run to the rest room herself.
World Missions Messes
I remember coming back to the States after my second trip to Haiti. I had a serious case of heat rash from head to toe. Talk about embarrassment; people in the airport laughed as they watched me waddle slowly through the concourses with my arms hanging out like an ape and my face wincing in pain at every step.
Preacher Bloopers
Losing weight from dieting or fasting has its disadvantages sometimes. Even your fingers get slimmer. I remember accidentally flinging my class ring across the stage while leading worship and then later launching my wedding band into the second pew while preaching; both in the same service.
Born In The USA
Hospital Gown (hos'pe-tel goun): n. 1. Thin, flimsy, impractical, and short. 2. A small worthless piece of cloth that makes one feel indecently exposed as well as freezing them to death!
Kids Say Funny Things
Frustrated with my four year old son as he procrastinated to get ready for bed, my wife ordered, "Hurry, get your clothes off. You have to sleep in your drawers." There was silence for a moment, then with a note of trembling in his voice and looking back and forth between his bed and his chest of drawers, my son questioned, "I've got to sleep in the drawers?"
It Happened In Church
A pastor friend told me of a baptismal service he attended in a country church. This church only baptized once a year. Many people from the community were present. They had no baptistery in their small one room building, but each year they would bring in a deep metal trough for baptizing new converts and new members. They brought in portable wood steps, and partitioned off the pulpit section of the church with wires and hanging blankets and sheets to make rooms for people to change in. This arrangement had been a tradition for years on the same Sunday of each year. But this time in the middle of the baptism ceremony, a lady slipped on the wet wooden steps behind a partition, and grabbed a wire as she fell backwards. Down came all the partitions and down dropped the mouths of the audience as several disrobed deacons momentarily continued dressing with their backs towards the congregation, unaware the partitions were gone. People began to run everywhere trying to get out or hide themselves from the embarrassment. That little church never had an indoor baptism service again; rivers seemed safer.
World Missions Messes
There was my preacher friend, seated in a Russian Aeroflot ("Scare-O-Flot") airplane, preparing for take- off. His seat wasn't bolted to the floor, so he had a great rocking chair view from his window. He quickly noticed the wires dangling from beneath the wing. The worst was yet to come, however. Three times they rolled down the runway for take off. The first two times they had to taxi back to the ramp so the workers could chip the ice off the wing with wooden broom handles. That day he became an expert in prayer and faith!
It Happened In Church
A pastor friend of mine was a Pastor's Kid (P.K.) himself and he told me a story of a guest evangelist that his father had in his church. His father was seated on the platform behind the pulpit while this preacher was speaking. It was a Sunday morning. The guest preacher apparently felt a sudden burst of inspiration and began to prophesy to the congregation: "Thus saith the Lord, I will be with you on Sunday mornings. I will be with you on Sunday nights. And I will be with you on Wednesday nights, saith the Lord." Quickly spinning around with a sense of alarm on his face, the evangelist whispered to the pastor, "You do have services on Wednesday nights, don't you?"
Marriage Is A Party
My wife sometimes accuses me of having an offensive phenomenon she calls "Moose-Breath."
World Missions Messes
In Haiti I experienced a phenomenon that I have coined "Chicken." It resembles an American daredevil highway stunt that reckless teenagers played back in the 1950's. In Haiti, however, the way you play it is by trying to pass another automobile or "Tap-tap" (Haitian bus with people hanging off it), and then the guy behind you tries to pass you while you're still passing yourself. One Haitian "Chicken" incident and your deodorant disappears in a rush of adrenaline sweat!
Preacher Bloopers
A pastor friend told me a true story of a preacher he knew that had a habit of calling everybody "my-friend." "Joe, my-friend, how are ya?" This was his typical greeting. Once this preacher was praying for people one at a time during a response to an altar call. He felt he was discerning the presence of a demon spirit oppressing a certain woman whom he was praying for. So quickly the preacher shouted and commanded the demon, "Come out my-friend!"
Kids Say Funny Things
While discussing the subject of heaven and the rapture of the church with my four-year old son at his bedside, he asked a difficult question. "Daddy, will we have any clothes on when we go up to heaven?" "Of course," I replied. "But what if I'm taking a bath when Jesus comes?"
World Missions Messes
My pastor friend and I were on a mission trip to Haiti. We stayed with the national missionary. His home, of course, had no air conditioning even though the temperatures were well over 100 degrees. After teaching the pastors for three hours each morning, we'd come back to our room, strip down to our underwear, turn on the fans, and lay "spread eagle" on our beds trying to get relief from the heat along with the endless sweat and tormenting heat rash. This was back when both of us were not exactly slim and trim. As I looked at myself and then at my friend lying there, I couldn't help laughing. "Dear Jesus, we look like a couple of 'beached whales' baking on the sand!"
Preacher Bloopers
My Sunday morning custom while serving as worship pastor was to invite the congregation to welcome one another after singing the first few songs. So one morning while exhorting the people to greet each other, I said, "Go ahead everyone: Shake a few heads and hug a few hands!" The congregation broke out in roaring laughter. And to make matters worse, a few saints had the audacity to try it on one another! Talk about insult on injury!
Bit-O-Humor
Ever noticed those church members who are world champion criticizers are rarely world class tithers?
World Missions Messes
The men from the nation (not 'state') of Georgia who travel frequently through Russia have a terrible reputation for being "ladies' men." Our friend Marlene was a missionary to Russia. Once while she was minding her own business, a Georgian man came up behind her, pinched her, and made a lewd remark. Instantly she swung around and slapped him so hard that her hand ached for an hour. She soon became endeared by the other missionaries as "The Georgian Terminator."
Preacher Bloopers
I was in the men's rest room before the beginning of the church service when suddenly the door slammed open. The usher screamed, "Pastor Dan, Pastor Dan, quick, turn your wireless microphone off!" Humiliated–I secretly slipped back into the sanctuary–wondering how many people heard the special sound effects from the rest room andÉthe conversation I was having with another man.
Family Frenzy
Parents are strangely transformed once they become the grandparents of your children. In one breath they tell you, "Be gentle; don't be so hard on 'Little Johnny.'" And God forbid if you should paddle him. Then in the next breath, given a little time, they will say, "You sure didn't get away with what Johnny gets away with when you were young; why don't you discipline that boy!"
Preacher Bloopers
Groggy from anesthesia after coming out of surgery, I heard the nurse tell me, "Mr. Cheatham, you need to void." Minutes later I heard it again. "Mr. Cheatham, you need to void." Some time passed, and a nurse said, "Mr. Cheatham, you need to void NOW." So I popped the question, "What does 'VOID' mean?" "Go to the bathroom in your bedpan. If you don't go soon, we will have to catheterize you." That got my attention; I came out of my haze real quick. "Get me a two-liter of Sprite, and I will void for you!" So I drank, and prayed, and drank, and prayed, and drank, and finally achieved success! Then after many more successes, the nurse told me in the middle of the night, "We only needed you to void once for a sample; you don't need to keep paging us to get you more Sprite."
Bit-O-Humor
After neck surgery I wore a soft foam neck collar for a couple of months. I also lost 80% of my voice for the same period of time due to the anesthesia tubes bruising the nerve that leads to my vocal chords. But I kept a positive attitude by whispering to everyone that my condition was scriptural. "Ya know the Bible says in Psalm 75:5, 'Speak not with a stiff neck!'"
I also told people I wore a neck collar because the Bible taught in Proverbs 4:25-27 "not to look to the left or to the right, but only straight on."
Family Frenzy
An elderly couple phoned me, wanting to visit and pray for the ruptured disk in my neck. Though I was in great pain, I respected their ageÉand their faith. So I accepted the offer. We all were standing in the kitchen with our eyes closed while the man laid hands on me and prayed. Suddenly I heard a loud "crack" noise. I opened my eyes and saw the elderly gentleman lying flat on his back with his head against the corner of the wall. My 3 year old son had run under his legs while he was praying, causing him to fall and slam his head against the wall's corner strip (made of metal). I panicked, trying to help him off the floor. But his wife never even flinched or showed concern. Nonchalantly she remarked, "Don't worry; he's a tough old codger." "Oh well," he shrugged, while sprawled on the floor. "No problem; I'm hard-headed anyhow." I suppose the dent on the corner of my kitchen wall (in the shape of a head) is proof of his explanation.
Preacher Bloopers
I couldn't speak aloud for a few months after neck surgery. The best I could muster sounded like a raspy whisper. Once while busy at my computer, I had to call a certain lady from our church to ask her about my son's upcoming campout. After dialing her number, I resumed my work on the computer. When she answered the phone, I had already forgotten whom I was calling and assumed it was my wife. With my gravely voice I said, "Hey babe, how ya doin'?" BANG!–She slammed the phone down, thinking that it was an obscene caller. In reality it was only one of her pastors.
Kids Say Funny Things
From the back seat of our automobile, my seven year old son asked, "Daddy, do we own our house?" I replied, "No, son, we are in between owning homes. We're renting our present home." "What does 'rent' mean, daddy?" "Well, 'rent' means that it belongs to someone else, but you pay them to use it." There was silence for a few seconds as Matthew comprehended this new idea called 'rent.' Then with brilliant innocence he asked, "Daddy, can we rent a dog?"
Preacher Bloopers
My pastor lost his home in a tornado. When I visited his property I observed that the wall where his study had been located was ripped away. Huge piles of Bibles and books from his bookshelves were strewn and heaped all over the lawn. I couldn't help asking, "What would have happened had you been in your study instead of the hall closet when the tornado hit?" Chuckling he replied, "I guess I would have been caught 'deep in study' underneath my books."
World Missions Messes
Arriving again at the dinner table in my Russian hotel, I eyed the meat set before me. "Yes! Its chicken! what a welcome change from beef tongue!" Stabbing it with my fork, I quickly threw it into my mouth. To my surprise I began gagging on the awful taste. Holding my mouth, I raced to the rest room to spit it out. Returning to the table I found the Russians laughing hysterically. "Not chicken, Brother Dan. Raw squid!"
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